Never Miss a Chance to Call Your Spouse a Lunatic
by LittleTeine
Summary: When Remus is cleaning the attic of the Order’s new head quarters, he makes a rather surprising discovery that two of his best friends left for their son…
1. The Attic

**Thanks to WaffleOfMusic, my beta!**

After the death of Voldermort, things were rather messy for the ministry. They had former Death Eaters swearing they had been under imperius curses (for more than thirty years? doubtful) left and right, and of course, the Order.

Seeing as Harry Potter, the boy who lived and Order of Merlin, first class, remained a staunch supporter (and member) of the Order of the Phoenix, they very well couldn't denounce it when the whole magical community was clamoring for its support. So, they slapped a few important titles on the prevalent Order members and created a whole new department for them: The Department of Dark Arts Trials and Prevention.

Remus, needless to say, had only gotten an Order of Merlin, third class and no position in the DDATP thanks to the ministry and their incorrigible prejudices against werewolves.

As his wife, Nymphadora, and practically the whole Order had been granted positions in the DDTAP, he spent his mornings fairly secluded in a small, comfortable room in the new head quarters of the Order of the Phoenix (located just behind and between Diagon Alley and the Leakey Cauldron) being an independent researcher.

He was quite comfortable and didn't mind being alone for such a large part of the day, due to lone wolfish tendencies. Remus also kept the head quarters clean. Kingsly teased him cheerfully for it, but he knew his obsessive compulsive attitude towards cleanliness (second to only that of Molly Weasley) would nag at him insistently if he let the place get all cluttered.

The small, homey wooden building had been used previously as a hideout for those targeted by Voldermort. Its attic was a complete mess of dusty trunks and boxes left by the previous inhabitants (which had briefly included Lily, James, and Harry Potter).

This particular day it was raining and Remus simply could not concentrate on the invisibility potion he was trying to perfect. With a sigh, he rubbed his temples, and looked around his small work area. His gaze fell upon a small flight of stairs in the corner.

* * *

Armed with his wand, a bucket of soapy water, and a few dishrags, Remus climbed the steps and prepared to give the attic a thorough going-through.

"Yes, yes" he muttered gleefully to himself, scrubbing at a floorboard with a particularly persistent stain. "I _will_ get you one day, there's no use trying to hide!" He cackled maniacally but was cut short by soft chuckles coming from the doorway.

Looking up, Remus saw his wife standing in the attic doorway. The dim light fell gently on the curve of her stomach and he smiled fondly at the small bump. _Oh, James, Sirius, if only you could see me now…_

Nymphadora "Tonks" Lupin grinned at her husband and walked over to him, knocking over several boxes in her wake.

"Oof, 's harder to navigate with this thing", she said, patting her abdomen fondly and kissing her husband on the cheek. "I just love how evil you get when you're cleaning".

Remus stood up and hugged her. "What's Molly making for dinner?" he asked hopefully.

Tonks laughed. "Steaks, for you and Bill. He's coming over with Fleur and they're bringing Matt."

The thought of the rather mischievous toddler and what he had done to his lab the last visit made Remus twitch slightly. "I've been looking for an excuse to strengthen the wards downstairs", he murmured, pointing vaguely in the direction of the doorway.

His wife winced too, clearly remembering the last time Matt and her husband's laboratory had met. "I'll get some barbed wire," she said. "Dinner starts at seven, don't be late or Molly will bite your head off!" Blowing him a kiss, Tonks walked back downstairs.

A few seconds later, Remus heard a distinct CRASH and the unmistakable tinkle of broken glass on a tiled floor. His suspicions were confirmed later at Molly's exasperated shouts of "Tonks! That was the marinade!"

Laughing softly to himself, he bent to continue scrubbing at the offending floorboard when a glimpse of familiar writing caught his eye. Written on a large, cardboard box, in James's thick, block writing and in Lily's neat, curvy writing were the words:

**FOR HARRY**

_Compiled August 2nd, 1981_

_Love Mum_ **and Dad**

Remus froze. He wasn't sure he was breathing and he could feel the hairs on every part of his body standing on end.

"Holy _crap_," he whispered, awestruck, letting his breathe out all at once.

Gingerly, he approached the box and lifted it up, cradling it his arms as if it would break. There was a note spell-taped to the top. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, still cradling the box, he began to read:

_Dear Remus_** (Moony)**,

**Moony, mate. Lily thinks I'm crazy for assuming you'd be the one to find this, but I know you. You'll be the one up here long after everybody has gone, alone with your duster (GET A GIRL if you haven't already) because of your obsessive compulsive cleaning tendencies. But back to the point. Lily?**

_You are crazy, dearest. Remus, we've realized in the past couple of weeks that we may not live to see Harry grown. If by any chance this has happened (Oh God, I hope it hasn't) please give this to him. You'll be curious as to what it is, of course. James?_

**Right. Well, being stuck in this place with NOTHING TO DO we've decided to write a story for Harry. Our story. Which you must admit, is pretty spectacular. Hopefully it will help him know us, if we're gone. Probably we're at our house right now, and you'll bring this and we'll all have a good laugh. Take care, mate.**

_All our love_,

_Lily_ **and James**

Remus fell back on his heels, not quite sure whether he was laughing or crying. Maybe a bit of both, he decided, reaching up to touch his wet cheeks. Typical Lily and James. Never miss a chance to call your spouse a lunatic!

They would have made an absolutely spectacular old, crotchety couple…

* * *

Harry came home from the trials very late that night, much later than he normally did. Remus was sitting up with the box in his lap, twitching at every little sound resembling an opening door. Finally, the door actually did open, and Harry walked in.

Harryhad always been lanky, but this was ridiculous. His face was gaunt and pale, and his glasses kept sliding down the bridge of his nose. His robes hung loose and long upon his scrawny frame. It was obvious he has lost a great deal of weight. There were huge purple bags under his eyes and he shuffled along tiredly.

Remus bit his lip. This was certainly a change from the tall, muscular teen he had seen dragging the body of Voldermort across the ashes of the Forbidden Forest.

"Harry," he said softly, and then again, louder, when Harry walked right past him, "Harry!"

"_Exp_-! What? Oh, Remus. Hi." Harry said putting his wand away, smiling tiredly and pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"Why are you so late coming back? These are insane hours, honestly."

"Draco Malfoy's trial started today," Harry said dejectedly, slumping in an armchair across from Remus. "It's possibly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life."

Remus nodded sympathetically, and reached over and rubbed Harry's shoulder. "Oh, Harry, that's difficult. That's really really difficult. Aren't there rules about the leading member of the trial having personal ties with the accused?"

Harry laughed, a sound too bitter for someone only seventeen. "They don't care," he whispered fiercely, "they don't give a damn. They've got Death Eaters coming out of their ass and I'll probably be trying them for the rest of my life. No –" he said, as Remus opened his mouth to speak "I can't quit. I can't quit because I'm already too far gone and I've stopped caring what I'll become. Ron and Hermione have already quit and tried to convince me to as well, but I can't do it Remus, I just can't."

"I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but," Remus stood up, and gently placed the box into Harry's lap. "I found this cleaning out the attic today. Speaking of the attic, I cleaned up a pretty good portion of it today but nobody knows it's not like the pit it was before I got to it, so, if you want some peace and quiet, I'd suggest going up there."

Ruffling Harry's hair fondly, Remus threw a little floo powder on the dying fire. "186 Merlin Flats," he whispered. With a small pop, he was gone.

Harry sat in the armchair, hand resting on the armrests until his curiosity got the better of him. Lugging the box, he climbed the rickety staircase to the attic.

"God, Remus," Harry muttered, rolling his eyes "you have too much time on your hands."

The basement, half of which had been previously caked with cobwebs, dust, mud, and who-else-knew-what, was clean. There was a veritable mountain of clutter piled against the walls of the dirty half of the room, but Remus had certainly made an impressive dent on "the pit" (fondly christened by Fred and George Weasley).

Harry noticed a small, battered loveseat pushed up against a stained glass window shrouded in absolutely hideous, ancient curtains. Tucking the box securely under his arm, he made his way to it, and sat down heavily. Propping the box against his knees, he got his first good look at it.

**FOR HARRY**

_Compiled August 2nd, 1981_

_Love Mum_ **and Dad**

The writing glinted eerily in the dimly lit attic and Harry felt his breath catch in his throat. Awestruck, he ran his fingers gently across the faded lettering.

"Mum?" Harry heard himself whisper. "Dad?"

After what seemed the longest time, he flipped the box topside-up and began peeling off the spell tape holding the top shut. Harry reached his hand inside and pulled out a thick book, accompanied by a letter, so old the parchment was beginning to crackle around the edges. He opened it, and began to read:

**Harry,**

**Frankly, your Mum and I don't know whether we'll be alive right now to see you read this. So, in the time we've been cooped up in this place (with Moody driving us INSANE, coming to check on us at incredibly weird hours, does the man ever sleep? I don't think s-** _JAMES!_** Sorry sweetheart. Anyways -)**

_I'm going to do this properly. Harry darling, your Father and I don't want to leave you with nothing to remember us by. You're only a year old now and it breaks my heart to ever think of leaving you and your Father, but we've both realized over the past couple of weeks that it's quite possible we may not make it out of this alive. So we've decided to write a remembrance for you._

**We had a rather…interesting seven years at Hogwarts together, for a large portion of which your mother hated my guts. (**_I did not, I just extremely disliked them_**). A large portion of these years I was also a rather arrogant little prat. It makes for a wonderful story, really, and we figure it's something to make you laugh and know us better. And Harry, always remember: People can change. Always remember that. You change, your best friends change, and there's not a thing you can do to stop it. You can fight the change or you can accept it. And accepting it is usually the less painful route. I love you, son. I have faith in you.**

_Sweetheart, if there's anything you take away from reading our story, let it be this: Always keep an open mind about people. Even if you have thoroughly convinced yourself they are the most rotten person ever to walk this earth, still give them a second chance if they need it. Don't let your prejudices blind you to the good in people. Ever. I love you, my baby boy. Be strong and brave. I know you will be, even as I am writing this._

_Love,_

_Mum_ **and Dad**

Harry let his parent's advice wash over him. "Thank you," he whispered. Pulling the thick book onto his lap, he opened it, and began to read.


	2. Some Rather Awkward Beginnings

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed!**

**Important! Please Read:**

**Okay guys, here's what's going to happen. I'll update every Monday. If for some reason I don't do this (unless I notified you guys in advance), I will post two chapters that week. Sound good?**

I was reading a book when it happened. Typical. I had it propped up against the milk jug and I was halfway through the fifth chapter when Petunia came running down the stairs screaming her head off about killer pigeons.

Pet's easily excited so I didn't think much of it - that is, until a rather large something crash-landed into the milk jug with a splash that left the formerly pristine kitchen looking as though a large hurricane of milk had hit.

It was eerily quiet, then. I wiped milk out of my eyes and took a good look around. My book was ruined, of course, and Pet was standing stock-still in a corner. The avocado goop she used on her face in the mornings had come off partway and the milk streaming down her face was making quick work of the other half. Oh, yes, and she was glaring rather hatefully at yours truly.

"M-MUUUUMMY!" Petunia's face screwed up as she howled. It was getting harder and harder not to burst out laughing.

As my mother came running to console my hysterical sister, I slowly approached the milk jug, holding my book high above my head as a means of self-defense. A very flimsy one, mind you, but it never hurts to be prepared.

Just as I was about to look into it, a sopping, fuzzy grey something stuck its head out of the milk jug. It looked at me imperiously, before slowly righting itself and beginning a rather impressive attempt to escape. I rolled my eyes.

"Honestly," I murmured, carefully extracting the thing (which was proving to be an owl) from the milk jug "it's so much easier _this_ way."

The owl hooted, as if in agreement, and flew unsteadily out of my arms. Somewhere in the background, Petunia's screams grew in volume, but I didn't really hear them. There was something more important that merited my attention: the letter tied to the owl's leg.

The letter addressed to me.

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL** _of_ **WITCHCRAFT** _and_ **WIZARDRY**

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore_ (Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

Dear Ms. Evans,  
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.  
Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.  
Yours sincerely,

_Minerva McGonagall,_

Deputy Headmistress

* * *

The next few days were rather interesting, to say the least. Pet refused to even look at me, let alone talk to me. I caught Mum and Dad speaking in hushed tones and sending odd glances towards me more than once. 

And me?

I spent hours holed up in my room, fingers running across the smooth pages of spell books as I chanted their teachings under my breath. I kept a box full of pens next to me and made frequent notes: by the time I was finally ready to go to Hogwarts, the margins of my books were crammed full with my neat, curly handwriting.

And always, always my wand was by me. My beautiful willow wand, that swished so beautifully as I practiced carefully in the confines of my room.

* * *

The day I went to Hogwarts was damp and chilly. The wooden floors of our house felt like ice beneath my feet as I crept downstairs, hoping to get breakfast before Petunia did, and in doing so avoid her for most of the day. Normally I was not an early riser. However, I reassured myself with the thought that I was sacrificing my sleep for a noble cause. 

To my surprise, the kitchen light was on and I could smell the pungent smell of cinnamon wafting towards me. Inside, my parents were standing in their robes together, making breakfast. My dad had a kettle of water boiling on the stove and my mum was pulling a sheet of cinnamon scones from the oven.

"What's all this?" I asked, pleasantly surprised.

My mum looked up at me and smiled. She tucked her gingery hair behind her ears and swept me up in one of her famously comforting hugs.

"We wanted to give you a proper send-off, sweetheart."

My dad came over and wrapped his arms around the both of us. "You know we're proud of you, don't you Lily? We think it's absolutely wonderful to have a witch in the family. I know things have been hectic and Pet's been a bit difficult –"

I snorted at this, but to my surprise my father, the diplomat of the family, tactfully ignored it and continued on.

"But your mum and I are just absolutely thrilled and proud of the way you've been handling things lately and we really haven't gotten a chance to tell you that."

My mum pulled back a little and tipped my face towards hers. Green eyes identical to my own stared back at me lovingly, and I felt better than I had felt ever since I had gotten my letter. "I've seen you studying your books, darling, and I'm just amazed at your dedication. I know you'll do great things, no matter what world you belong too."

My mum's words still echo in my head as I write this. I wish you had known your grandparents, Harry. They were amazing people and now, looking at you, even though you are only a year old I can understand the pride in my mum's voice that morning. I repeat her words to you now, to have years from now: "I know you'll do great things, no matter what world you belong too."

* * *

When I got my Hogwarts letter it was a happy occasion, but not a very surprising one. The Potters were a very old, prominent, notably powerful wizarding family. My parents, for instance, were two of the top Aurors at the ministry. 

I was outside with my father in the small Quidditch pitch we had on the grounds. In his Hogwarts days he had been the captain of the Gryffindor team. Even now, at age fifty, he still enjoyed a good Quidditch game and had taught me everything I knew.

At the moment, I was losing rather spectacularly.

"Another goal!" my father crowed happily, pulling his broom beside mine and ruffling my hair. "You're going to have to do better than that, Jamie!"

I grinned. "What, you mean like this?" I grabbed the quaffle and pulled my arm back, aiming at the goal. Dad tried to grab it from me and we were engaged in a playful chase around the Quidditch match, when I saw Dad stop his broom. I looked at him questioningly. An owl was hovering insistently beside him, and he was waving at me, beckoning me towards him.

"I think he's looking for you!" he yelled, pointing at the owl.

Excitedly, I flew over, completely forgetting about the quaffle. I rarely got mail. Not even birthday cards. My parents were both only children, so I had no aunts and uncles. They had also had me rather late in life, and both sets of grandparents had passed away before I was born.

I pulled my broom to a stop in front of the owl. It hooted and stuck its leg at me, to which a letter was attached. Carefully I pulled it off.

_James Potter_

_Potter Estate_

_Quidditch Pitch_

"Odd," I said softly, flipping the letter over. When I saw a familiar crest I whooped out loud. "Dad! Hey Dad, look! I've got my Hogwarts letter!"

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL** _of_ **WITCHCRAFT **_and_ **WIZARDRY**

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore_ (Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

Dear Mr. Potter,  
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.  
Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.  
Yours sincerely,

_Minerva McGonagall,_

Deputy Headmistress

* * *

"I guess this is it, then." My mother pulled me into the millionth hug that morning. I squirmed. 

"Er, Mum," I began, not sure how to put it. "I love you, but it's just – not _cool_ to be hugged by your mum, you see."

She pulled away, laughing. I was rather miffed. "This is serious business, Mum. You could completely damage my image before I even step on the train."

"James!" My father said warningly.

Mum laughed, wiping her suspiciously red, wet eyes. "It's fine Harold. You were the same at his age."

Dad's face softened as he looked at me and reached out to ruffle my hair like he always did. "I've got to tell him something, Janine, could you -?"

"Oh!" Mum looked at Dad, and an understanding glance passed between the two of them. She ran a hand through her graying black hair and stepped off a little ways, glancing over at me and Dad every now and then, with a knowing smile.

"Here," Dad said, his voice low. "This has been passed down through many, many Potters to their firstborn sons. I got it from my Dad. Use it well. I'm sure you'll find lots of use for it at Hogwarts," he said, winking and slipping a soft package into my hands. "You should probably get on now, don't want to miss the train!"

* * *

I passed through the cabins of the Hogwarts express. After stumbling in on a make-out session between two seventh years, a cabinful of Slytherin boys eager to pick on a first year, and an obnoxiously giggly group of first year girls, I was ready to collapse into the next open cabin I found.

"Erm, this seat taken?"

A boy looked up at me from the window. The sunlight shining through the window fell on his soft black hair, and he had a scowl plastered firmly upon his face. "Yeah, sure, whatever," he said casually, shifting some of his things when I paused beside the seat next to him. "Go on, I promise I don't bite – often." He grinned mischievously and I grinned back, sliding next to him.

"I'm James Potter," I said, thrusting my hand towards him.

"Sirius Black," he said, taking mine and shaking it firmly.

I paused slightly. The name Black had come up with my parents once, while I was talking with them about their jobs. "Bad blood," my father had said, shaking his head. "They've got powerful friends and are filthy rich to boot, so although the lot of them should be in Azkaban right now, they're not."

Sirius looked at me hard. "Potter, like the Aurors?"

"My mum and dad," I said.

He sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. "Look, I'm not like the rest of my family, alright? I don't know what you've heard from your parents, but honestly, I think my family's the biggest group of nutters ever."

I studied his face for a moment. He was looking at me rather defiantly, as if daring me to walk out of the cabin, shouting insults as I left.

I laughed, clapping him on the back. "I think we're going to be good friends," I told him.

"Yeah," said Sirius, looking rather relieved. "Yeah, me too."


	3. The Chapter Named Fred

**An absolutely mammoth chapter. I believe I shall call it Fred.**

**WaffleOfMusic the best beta ever! Check her out. She writes good stuff. **

**

* * *

**

The woman on the steps looked like she wouldn't take nonsense from anybody. Her black hair was pulled into a tight bun at the base of her neck, and her nose jutted out sharply from the rest of her face. As she pursed her thin lips and looked sternly at the bedraggled group of first years, many people lowered their eyes or attempted to hide behind their friends.

Lily stared at the woman defiantly, meeting her imposing gaze. The woman's lips twitched slightly, and her eyes lost their steel for a second and twinkled at the small girl standing below her. Then, she began to address the first years.

"Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am Professor Minerva McGonagall, your Transfiguration teacher. The sorting will begin shortly. Please, follow me."

With an elegant flick of the professor's wand, the huge wooden doors at her back opened. Beckoning to the crowd of students on the stone steps below her, she walked regally through the door.

After a few confusing twists and turns, the anxious group of first years found themselves in a small, empty classroom. Professor McGonagall, after informing them they were to stay there until she came to get them, had left.

"Psst, James, hey, James!" Sirius poked James roughly with his wand.

"Ow! What the hell, Sirius?"

"Look at that, up there."

James followed Sirius's gaze. Above them, dangling from the center of the room's pointed ceiling, was a rather impressive chandelier.

"Wow, Sirius. A chandelier! _Never_ seen one of those before."

"Hah. No, seriously. Take a look at that chain holding it up."

"And that, Sirius is a chain. A ch -" Suddenly, it dawned on James. "A rather weak chain, by the looks of it."

Sirius grinned mischievously, his dark eyes glinting. "A very weak chain. It wouldn't take much to make it fall."

James looked furtively around. The clump of first years had separated slightly. Those that knew each other stuck closely together, while the people that didn't know anybody stood rather awkwardly at the edges of the room.

"No one's looking-"

"Honestly, you prats!"

James and Sirius turned. A girl was standing behind them. Her brilliant green eyes were narrowed in fury, and her dark red hair touched the tips of her small arms, crossed over her chest.

"Whu-"

"First off you could seriously injure somebody even if you did know the spells to bring the chandelier down. If you so much as attempt it I'm telling the Professor." The girl swished her hair irritably and glared at the two dumbfounded boys in front of her.

Sirius was the first to recover. "Sirius Black at your service, madam." He bowed low, looking up at the girl mockingly.

"James Potter." James grabbed one of her hands and dramatically bent to kiss it. To his surprise, the girl screeched, jerked her hand out of his, and slapped him soundly across the face.

"Hey! What was that for?"

"Oh, hush, you big baby. And don't you ever try something like that again. _Either_ of you," she said, planting her hands on her hips and giving the boys each one last glare. With another flick of her hair, she stomped off.

James looked rather alarmed. "Bloody hell, are they all like that?"

"Only the smart ones," Sirius said sagely.

* * *

Lily, cheeks flushed and eyes sparkling dangerously, stomped determinedly towards a corner. Idiots. Completely irresponsible idiots. And arrogant too, what with all the bowing and hand-kissing. It had been a rather embarrassing encounter. 

"Hey, could I have a word with you?" Lily turned. A thin, wispy girl with gold hair and dark blue eyes was smiling at her.

"Yeah, sure," she said crossly, still rather worked up.

"That was absolutely hilarious back there, I've never seen somebody give James that much cheek. I think you caught him rather off guard." The girl smiled cheerfully, blue eyes sparkling, waiting for Lily's response.

"So, you know him, then?"

"A bit. His parents and mine are both aurors, though mine aren't as high up on the totem pole as the Potters." She laughed. "They're the ministry's two top aurors, and actually both of them are really decent people. It beats me how they managed James."

"Aurors? Ministry?"

"You're muggleborn, aren't you?"

"Muggle?"

"It's a term we use for non-magical people."

"Yes, I am muggleborn then, is that bad?" Lily twirled a strand of hair around her finger anxiously.

"No, no, of course not! It's just a little rare, that's all. There are some that might hold your blood against you, but they're probably Slytherins, and not worth minding."

"Slytherin?"

The girl sighed, theatrically pressing her palms to her forehead. "I can we have a long way to go." Her eyes glinted mischievously.

Lily laughed, her angry mood long since vanished. "I'm Lily Evans. It's great to meet you."

"Dorcas Meadows," the girl said cheerfully, shaking Lily's offered hand. "It's great to meet you too."

At that moment, the doors opened. Professor McGonagall had returned. "Come with me. The Sorting is about to begin."

* * *

The line of first years chattered nervously as they approached the Great Hall. Nobody knew what the sorting _was_, exactly. The few that did wouldn't divulge any information whatsoever. 

James and Sirius, as usual, let their imaginations run wild.

"Maybe it's an obstacle course or something!"

"Yeah, with, like, _dragons_!"

"Dragons and trolls!"

"Maybe we have to duel with other students," Sirius said, eyeing his cousin Bellatrix Black hopefully.

"Nah, there's got to be something in the school rules against that," James said regretfully, following Sirius's gaze.

"Look, what's that, on that stool?"

"It's a hat. A really ratty old hat."

"Maybe it has _powers_."

"Maybe we've got to stop it from eating us or something!"

"Yeah….bloody rules, though."

"Damn."

From the staff table, a familiar man rose. He clinked a spoon against a glass and the whole hall suddenly fell silent. Blue eyes twinkled merrily at James from behind half-moon spectacles.

"Hey, look, it's Professor Dumbledore!"

"Who?" Sirius looked extremely confused.

"He's a friend of my parents," James explained. "Completely off his rocker."

Sirius muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "look who's talking!" but James had to ignore it, as the hat on the stool began to sing:

_It has been a long time since_

_By loyal Helga's locket_

_Was I made_

_Sly Slytherin's ring, sharp Ravenclaw's cup_

_And brave Gryffindor's blade._

_Together these four worked_

_With the treasures they held dear_

_T__o make me to decide this:_

_Which students were theirs to rear._

_S__lytherin, the cunning wizard_

_Chose carefully to ensure the best_

_For there were not many among the students_

_He felt could withstand his test._

_Ravenclaw, the wisest of them all _

_Took the students that, as she _

_Loved to learn _

_Andyeared tobecome as knowledgeable as they could be. _

_Fiery Gryffindor_

_Looked for those true and brave of heart_

_He demanded that their valor_

_Was what would set them apart._

_Kind Hufflepuff, she took_

_Those loyal and proud_

_Oh, Hufflepuffs might be at times weak_

_But their support is true and sound._

_So remember as you are chosen_

_For your destined house_

_That although they may be different_

_It took all four to bring this about._

Professor McGonagall stepped in front of the hat, a roll of parchment clutched in her hands.

"Abbot, Damon!"

A small blonde boy stepped up to the stool, and jammed the hat on his head. He stayed there for a few seconds before the hat shouted "Hufflepuff!" Cheers from the according table were loud as they welcomed their first new member.

Lily bit nails nervously. What if the hat didn't like muggles? What if this was all some horrible mistake?

"Black, Bellatrix!" A girl with heavy lidded eyes and thick black hair strode confidently to the stool, casting a lazy grin at the Slytherin table. She had the hat on for less than a second before it yelled "Slytherin!"

"Black, Sirius!"

"Good luck, mate," James whispered, clapping Sirius on the back.

The hat took a surprisingly long amount of time deciding which house to place Sirius in. James fidgeted anxiously. Finally, the hat yelled "Gryffindor!"

James looked at his friend in surprise. In all honestly, he had expected Sirius to be in Slytherin with Bellatrix.

Ignoring the malicious glares coming his way from the Slytherin table, Sirius plopped happily in a seat at the Gryffindor table and was greeted warmly as its first new member.

"Dennis, Alice!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Evans, Lily!"

"Oh god," Lily whispered, and had it not been for Dorcas pushing her towards the stool, probably would've fainted right then and there.

* * *

"Hm," the hat said in her ear, once she had put it on. "Lots of brains. Lots. You would make a good Ravenclaw," it told her. "Definitely not a Hufflepuff. But I don't think Ravenclaw is best for you. Too much fire. And ambition, yes? You want to show people you can fit into this world. You want to be Head Girl!" it chuckled. "You, my dear, would make a lovely Slytherin." 

Lily panicked. After hearing the hat's song and Dorcas's opinions on the different houses, she knew that was the last house she wanted to be in. "No!" she thought fiercely. "No, no, no! That's not the place for me. Please don't put me there."

"Yes, yes, I supposed you're right," the hat mused. "You are a muggleborn, after all. They wouldn't take too kindly to you, believe me. But – are you sure?"

"_Yes_," Lily thought.

The hat laughed again. "What spunk! You know, I'm glad you convinced me out of Slytherin. You're a much better fit in – Gryffindor!"

* * *

Blinking to adjust her eyes to the light of the hall, Lily pulled the hat off roughly. She made her way to the Gryffindor table, dimly aware of the clapping. She sat down heavily, only to realize she had sat next to Sirius. 

"Not you again!" she groaned, and turned to see who was sitting next to her.

"Hi," said the girl shyly. She played nervously with her silky brown hair.. "My name is Alice Dennis."

"I'm Lily Evans." The two girls smiled at each other, deep green eyes meeting clear grey ones.

"Lily dearest, is that any way to treat me? You know you have my undying love." Sirius put his hand over his heart and affected a wounded expression. Lily, her cheeks stained bright red, was not amused.

"Sod off, Black," she said, and turned back to Alice, who was giggling. Sirius, noticing he had the attention of two females, gave Alice a roughish wink. She glared at him.

"Lupin, Remus!"

"Gryffindor!"

A thin, pale boy with light brown hair walked apprehensively towards the Gryffindor table, halting beside Sirius. "This seat open?"

"Nope!" said Sirius cheerfully. "I'm Sirius Black."

"Remus Lupin," he quietly responded.

"You don't need to be afraid of me, you know," said Sirius, surveying the defensive posture the boy had taken with mock-offense. "I am pretty fantastic, if I do say so myself."

"And modest?" Remus asked dryly.

"But of course Remus, my friend! It's one of my many charms."

Lily snorted.

"Longbottom, Frank!"

"Hufflepuff!"

"MacNair, Walden!"

"Slytherin!"

"Meadows, Dorcas!"

"Gryffindor!"

Lily cheered and clapped loudly as Dorcas sat in the seat next to Alice. Lily introduced the two, who seemed to get on well.

"Patil, Rajani!"

"Ravenclaw!"

"Pettigrew, Peter!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Potter, James!"

James stepped forward confidently, flashing Sirius a cocky grin before he jammed the hat on his head.

* * *

"Let's see," the hat began. "Brains, but a general lack of concern about using them." 

"Hey!" James thought indignantly.

"Well, it's _true_," the hat insisted. "As I was trying to say! You'd be restless in Ravenclaw. Not a Slytherin, that's for sure. Ambition, but you care too much about people to ever be able to get far with it. That's a good thing," it said hastily, before James could interupt. "Goodness! You are a stubborn one. I think it'll be – Gryffindor!"

* * *

Grinning hugely, James walked to the Gryffindor table. Sirius was out of his chair, giving him the thumbs up sign and doing an odd little dance. The boy sitting to his right looked rather frightened, but James smiled at encouragingly, and sat down next to him. 

"Sirius is a nutter, don't mind him. I'm James. You are -?"

"Remus Lupin," he replied.

"We need to train him, James," Sirius said, sitting back down. "He's too afraid of everything."

"Ah, yes, fresh meat." James laughed evilly. Remus eyed him suspiciously.

"Merlin's beard," he muttered. "I've landed with a bunch of lunatics."

"That's the spirit!" Sirius declared, giving Remus a hearty slap on the back.

Lily, Alice, and Dorcas all looked at each other and rolled their eyes.

"What?" James asked. Then, he noticed Lily. "Lily darling! So glad you could make it!" Grinning evilly, he stood up and knelt by her chair.

"Don't you dare try kissing my hand again, Potter," Lily glared at him.

"Wouldn't dream of it," James said, before standing up and giving her a kiss on the lips and running back to his seat.

"You prat!" Lily shouted, and began to hit him with her wand.

"Now, Lily dearest – Ow! – surely this is just a misunderstanding – OW!"


	4. Author's Note

Yes, yes, two pages this week. Coming soon. I was a total lazybutt this weekend.

FYI…

Dorcas and Alice aren't original characters.

Dorcas was mentioned briefly in one of the books (a virtual cookie to anyone who can tell me which).

A virtual cookie to anyone who can also guess who Alice is (or is going to become…HINT)

Thank you so much for all the reviews! I'm glad you guys think I'm funny. Everyone else thinks I'm just crazy :-P.


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